Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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