Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
