I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
