I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
