Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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