I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
