I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
