In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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