My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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