I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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