just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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