It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
