Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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