I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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