Where did you get a picture of my penis
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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