I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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