that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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