This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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