Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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