My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
