8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
