So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
