My friends, they love my intelligence
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
