My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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