I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
