she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She told me I should be a condom model.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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