god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
