Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
