You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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