Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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