I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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