You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
