I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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