No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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