at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
