I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
