I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
