Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
