he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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