did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
