we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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