Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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