He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
