I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
