I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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