Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
