he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
