I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
