You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
