I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
