Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
