I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We named our party play list daddy issues
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
